Profiles

Interests: . . . God.
Who knows how many will list it?
More than 580.
Interest: A state of curiosity or concern about or attention to something
"an interest in sports"
An athiest then, has an interest in God.
And I truly think an athiest would pay more attention
To your own interests.

Poetry will never truly be my forte. I attempt it so that you don't think this is some sunday morning preacher wake up call. "Be more of a witness to God!" I don't name my faith anywhere in any site I have or maintain. It's not about making God more prominent in your life. Just think about it. Why did you list "God" when you filled out that little space on the screen?

19 Is The Average Age Of Dead Vietnam Soldiers

Tomorrow/today is my birthday. The 16th. At 6:40 this morning, I will be 19 years old.

In my family, birthdays have always been very big deals. We do a big fat family party where the birthday person sits at the head of the table of the 20 odd immediate family members, we get to pick the meal, you're the star. It's a nice custom in a family where people can get lost in the shuffle. One year, for my sister who can never be with us on her birthday (Cheryl) we all got together and ate a big dinner and filmed it, sending her the video of all of us, pretending she was there, along with a box of presents.

Every other year, my birthday is terrible or great. Last year was terrible. My grandmother went into the hospital right before the party, my mother was gone, I had to finish making my own cake and most of my presents from my folks were from Wal-mart. Also, on my actual birthday, John lost his wallet and we spent the better part of the evening looking for it. (It's not your fault, sweetie.) The year before the year before that, my 16th, was also terrible. I tried to have a party for my friends, inviting around 20 people, and 3 came. One had been forced by his mother and another by his girlfriend. The next year, my 17th, I didn't even try to have a party. But what happened instead, the night before there happened to be scheduled an anime party with all my best TSAS friends which was one of the best time I've ever had, and the night of my birthday itself, there was an impromptu gathering at my house after a concert involving a very odd group of people, but a very fun one. And Jill bought my a parakeet. So that year was an amazing birthday.

Thus, I don't know what to expect from tomorrow. Probably nothing. John may not even be able to see me. My folks want to take me out to dinner. I'll probably get some phone calls from a few people.

It's a far cry for being woken up to the smell of birthday pancakes with a present by your plate. That was my birthday for my entire childhood. Yeah, I was spoiled. Childhood is over, and I'll wake up alone tomorrow.

People Are Very Strange

Elephant Polo. Be sure to check out the pictures of the 2 year old on what appears to be a baby rhino. Man, humans sure are the greatest.

There's Always Trouble

As I have explained to what appear to be the only two friends I have left, John and I have been through hell and back. We have played every card in our hand and we've still lost. We are now helpless, at the mercy of his tyrannical, insane parents. We've used all of our weapons and now we have to trust to hope and God. But I'll tell you, I am real low on trusting God to do what we want. I don't know how hard I prayed that those social workers would listen to John's side of the story, or how often I asked God to protect John from his father, and it didn't work. He did nothing to help John. Why should I believe that my prayers will do anything but comfort me? Why should I pray for something when it only gives me a false sense of safety? Pedro sarcastically sings, "Safety abounds."Why should I be one of those foolish Christians who expects God to make things easier? God is not going to stand with a fiery sword between John and his dad. And God knows that it is not within John's or my power to defend against these injustices.

Am I being defeatist and do my words smack of agnosticism? Yes. But does that matter, no. Because John's father is now allowing John to go to GED classes, and after he gets his GED, he can get a job. Both of these things are improvements. But John now has no car, no phone, and it's anyone's guess as to when he'll see me again. I'm finding that it really doesn't matter what I do or want, the world will roll on without me and events unfold with no attention to me. What that means in relation to prayer is that I give up on praying for something. I used to not believe in doing so. But crisis hits and you'll try anything. I do not believe that God answers prayers.

Here's what I do believe. I believe God answers people. I believe that my prayers are not for the false comfort of believe that God will take care of me, but the true comfort that God is listening to me. He is bound by his own laws to keep his hands off. "All traitors are the lawful property of the White Witch."The verse says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of these falls to the ground without the Lord." It does not end at "to the ground". We fall, get used to it. There's nothing you can do. You can be angry at God if you want, he knows I was. I can't tell you how furious I was, driving away from Claremore that night. But it doesn't change things. This world is not ours, nor is it God's. We are in occupied territory. The only link we have, the only hope we have, is our communion with him through prayer. And that's just us and him. That's where it ends.

It is pretty hopeless, I know. But, there are other people who are communing with God, trying to do what he commands. You can't do anything about them, but there's always the chance that one will run across your path and give you the help God wishes he could deliver.

Ho hum, I didn't really mean to go off on all of this. I meant to just say that I am really glad to have Megan Robinson and Paul Butler for friends. Megan has called me, gone to lunch and to get coffee with me, checked up on me and shown real concern for John and I. She has also proven to be a much better and closer friend that I would have ever thought. I always knew we got along like family, but I figured that was the TSAS in us. Turns out, we've been kindred spirits all along. As for Mr. B, he's graciously allowed John and I to invade his home, he and Linda have listened and cared and worried along with us, and I get to babysit for Sophia to fill the long hours of John-lessness. Plus, both of these kids are just amazing people whom I love to spend time with, who really listen and respond and live mature, full, interesting lives.

My days, however, are still empty. Megan is mostly grounded right now, and Butler and Linda have work and school and a child, therefore are busy/I can't intrude too much. I have rented movies and written songs and done homework to fill the loneliness, but its not only my days that are empty without John, but my heart. I've never felt so depressed in all my life. I am so lonely without him, without even the assurance that he's safe or happy. If he were just away at school, or on vacation or something it would just be boring, not so terribly dark feeling. I couldn't keep living in the dorms, in that cold cell, surrounded by foolish young girls, alone and confined. I'm at home for a few days, until the clouds lift a little.

Hope everyone else is doing alright.