My computer is still broken, as it's been for about a week, so I'm not able to post much, but I had to show this off.

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The Way It Was Meant To Be

Another Christmas come and gone. What fun it has been. Last night was lovely, the Christmas Eve services at my Dad's church were very pretty and very nostalgic. All my peeps were there but Chris and Kevin, and John kept me company through all three services. They say I did well with my Grinchy reading, but I think I did it a little too fast.

Today, today was great. My family, I won't say they're great but I love them. Just sitting and talking with them is seldom a good idea, especially in large groups. Something stupid or arguementative or immature is bound to be said, and nerves grate. But if we're doing something, like playing a game or making food, it's fun. Today our main activity, besides presents, was SLEDDING!

Man, was that fun. I haven't been sledding in years. And we have a bunch of huge hills in our front yard. We all got in on the sledage, not just the little kids. Even my dad took a few turns. But I got a little wounded. I was at the top of the hill, in this thin plastic tobogan, and I had my cousin give me a good push. Down I go, fast as a rocket. Off the curb I shoot, and fall like a rock. Smack down onto the asphalt, hard on my booty. Ow ow ow. So yeah, it really rather hurts to sit down now.

And as for presents, I got some great ones. The best present, the most thoughtful and the the one that means the most to me is John's. He got me a turntable and two vinyl albums. I don't say much here about John, but have to say how much I appreciate all the thought that went into that gift, and how much it means to me. (Sorry, babe, I'll stop embarassing you now.) Karen got me a really rad Death Cab album, a 45 record, which she didn't even know would go with my new turntable so rock on to her for the phycic abilities. Ash got me some Nightmare Before Christmas socks, 'cause we saw it together. Aw. From my family I got the much coveted CD burner, which is currently still being installed. Plus lots of other little things, a few movies and books and some clothes and all those cheesy little gifts that my mom saw somewhere and thought were cute and got them for me. Oh, and I got a new Discman. But the best thing from my family was a Jo March doll. Yes, a Jo March doll. Jo March, my heroine, my inspiration, my kindred spirit, of Little Women. They have made a doll of her. When I opened it, I started to cry.

I haven't been writing from my own computer since Friday, so even though I've had lots to say, I haven't really been able to say it due to time and comfort constraints. When I get my computer back, it'll have all it's little bugs worked out plus the burner, so I imagine I'll be spending much more time with it and posting more often.

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours was amazing, full of fun and celebration.

Maybe Christmas Was A Little Bit More
(That heading would have been better for the previous entry)

Oh man, Christmas time. ChristMAS Tiiiiiiiime! This is great. There is freaking snow on the freaking ground. White Christmas, baby.

Tonight I went to my grandparent's for "Saied Christmas". We were going to cancel it, because of the snow. I was not happy about that. I hang on to traditions very strongly. So much changes in life, and the big things there is no way you can hold on to. You have to let things flow as they come. But the little things, like baking cookies and having traditional parties, those things I feel the need to hold on to.

But most people decided to brave the elements and come out. And man, it was really nice. That side of the family, my mom's side, is kinda stiff and some people are sort of estranged and don't see eachother except at that party. There's a lot of tension whenever we all get together. But this year, one of my cousins and his wife have been playing bass and singing with our church, so we've gotten to know them better, and that eased a whole lot of the pressure on everyone. It was quite jolly. Becky and Sarah and I and our cousin who's my age (but is a big balla/playa/prep football player spoiled brat, who loves the ladies and the ladies love him, got a new jeep on his 16th birthday, cell phone rang 10 times during dinner kind of guy who I do not much care for) got in a snowball fight and we made a snowman in the front yard. We ate Lebanese food, mmm, and opened some presents. I got a J Crew sweater (which I may return, depending on what else I get later on) and 8 pairs of socks! Yay, socks. Some are kind of ugly, with snowflakes and that silly ski sweater kind of pattern on them, but some are striped and all are very warm and fuzzy. I think they're all from Abercrombie.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I'm doing tech stuff for all the services we have. And in the last one, the midnight service, I'm reading part of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas". It's going to be fun. And I think Ash and Al and Karen and John and maybe some other people, and of course Craig since he'll be playing drums, will be there. I'll have gifts and love for all of them. I hope they will all have the same for me.

Away In A Manger

I've been thinking about Christmas lately, for painfully obvious reasons. And I've been thinking about all this "true meaning" hoopla that goes on, that they serve up in specials and on posters and in sermons. Oh the true meaning of Christmas! Oh the spirit of the season! Love and generousity! Family and friends! The horribleness of our greedy little selves, caught up in the buying craze and all the business of parties and presents. And I've been wondering, are we not still missing the point?

I've always been irked by those specials that say the true meaning of Christmas is to love, and junk like that. No, the true meaning of Christmas is the fact that the most amazing and powerful being humbled himself so far as to become a tiny baby born to a mortal mother in the lowest of the low places. "Immensity cloistered in thy dear womb", said John Donne. The birth of Christ was the turning point for humanity. THAT is why we celebrate.

Celebrate. What does that mean? Websters says, "To observe (a day or event) with ceremonies of respect, festivity, or rejoicing." We celebrate Christmas . . right? Hmm, I dunno. It's the most important day IN THE WORLD, you realize. Sure sure, it's probably not the exact birthday of Jesus, but it's the time we've assigned to celebrate the birth. But do we remember that part? Not usually. People who get fed up with the season, they say it's so commercialized and all about the parties and the presents, but sometimes I think that the parties and the presents are the most appropriate part. They're the celebratory elements of this season. We should be having a good time! Be happy! God sent a tiny baby to save the world, and IT WORKED! PaaaarTEE! Everybody get down and funky, humanity is saved. Light some candles, eat some food, buy some presents because it's good to be alive!

And at the same time, be reverant. Go to a Christmas Eve service. Quietly read Luke 2 and contemplate. "ceremonies of respect" Understand the season and what it means. Understand the significance and the seriousness. Then celebrate it.

And don't feel bad about celebrating! Enjoy the holiday rush! Look at all the hubbub that Christ has created. Look at how this day has lasted into the 21st century. When nearly everything else has faded away, when almost all history is forgotten, this ancient holy day still lives on in our modern day society. Isn't it great, isn't it wonderful?

But know that the hubbub and the Family Circus Christmas Special, and Christmas cards and seeing a kid's face light up when they get their new toys, or the glow of time with family, these things are not Christmas. Those things can bring warmth to your heart any old day of the year. The joy in your heart should not be for any of these earthly things. They're simply a reflection, a by product, of the true reason to celebrate.

Current Music: Radio JYME

How unwell have I been feeling lately? Very. I've had headaches and stomachaches and dizzy spells and soreness in spades for the past couple of days. No good, no good at all. And I've not been eating, or eating on a wierd schedule, so that doesn't help. Thank God for Christmas break and some time to slow down. I was feeling so poorly yesterday, I'm sure I was bad company for everyone I spoke to.

So I saw Two Towers yesteday. Nice movie, but it sure as heck wasn't the "Two Towers" I read. Did Tolkien write another version where the plot was slow, pointless, and full of battles that meant nothing and sappy love stories? I think I missed that one.

They took out so much, and invented so much to replace it. And the stuff they invented was really just filler. Two of the characters, after the first five minutes of the movie, accomplished nothing. If we'd only seen them for the first scene, no difference would have been made in the plot. They cut it off way too early. The book ends on a great cliff hanger, with Frodo's survival in question, and all the other characters on the brink of battle. Here, there was no tension when the movie ended, it was very bland. I didn't even realize it was ending. They just screwed it up, hugely.

Some parts were good though. Some isolated scenes were dead on, just perfect. The sets were great, the costuming was perfect, the effects were lifelike. The ents, Gollum, Rohirrim, King Theoden, Eowyn, they were all great. I was happy about that, those were some of my favorite things. But overall, it was pretty dissappointed.

Al's birthday is tomorrow! Everyone go give her some birthday lovin'.

Thats Between The Birds And The Worms

You called a cough a smile, now I can't tell glad from ill . . .

Sorry, I've been listening to The Long Winters.

Lord of the Rings opens today. And yes, Ashley saw it before me. But that's cool. I'll be seeing it with my whole school this afternoon. I'm not as big an LOTR fan as I am of say, Star Wars. And my fandom is based in different motivations. LOTR was something I discovered on the side, and as part of a group. And my enthusiasm comes as part of a group. Star Wars, that I discovered as a low and lone child of geekdom. Therefore I must champion it on my own.

I watched David Copperfield today in AP English. We just finished reading it this week. Great book, if a bit thick. But Ellen made us homemade scones and Devonshire cream, and I was in anglo-heaven. Scones and jam and devonshire cream, with tea with milk in it, everyone speaking in lovely proper British accents. It was great fun, a jolly good time. If only we'd been in costume.

Introductions

The two most important men in my life met one another today. I thought I would explode with joy. I can think of few things that would bring me greater pleasure than seeing Mr. B and John become friends.

The Path Of Least Resistance

I wanted to share with everyone, these two brief episodes, both occuring today.

---

During AP Biology, in which I am an aide/lab tech, I was watching a lecture/discussion between Mr. Butler and his class, made up of mostly juniors. They were discussing evolution and why the issue is debated so hotly. One girl, whom we'll call Celina, did not act particularly engrossed in the discussion, so Mr. B singled her out.

"So what do you think about evolution, Celina?"

"Well," said Celina, with gum smacking and hair twirling in her voice, if not in her actions, "I just don't care."

Mr. Butler laughed. "That's a good camp to be in. There's this extreme, there's that. Celina is firmly in Camp Apathy. Good. For the sake of this class though, we need to care just a little bit."

Thinking she was being mocked, Celina became slightly defensive. "Well, I care enough to learn about it and pass the class, but I don't care enough to waste my life . . ."

Cutting her off, with a chipper tone, Mr. B said, "Good! That's the attitude to take."

---

In Journalism, I was leading a discussion/lecture on the chain of command of a newspaper, and the holes in our current system of organization. We are missing two editors currently, and at one point I asked for volenteers to fill in the ranks. One student, new this session, said, "Well, I looked at the paper last time before it went out, I just happened to see it, and I found like a million errors. It was really screwed up. So I want to be the one who looks over the whole thing and makes sure everything is right before it goes out."

I say to this kid, let's call him Duke. I say to Duke, "Well, Duke, that's the job of the editor in chief which is currently a position I hold. But if you'd like to be the editor, if you think you'd enjoy that, I'd encourage you to try it." I hold out the notebook I keep our records in to him.

Mrs. Williams shakes her head and says, "Now wait a minute, Jamie . . ." but I tell her that if Duke would be a better editor, if I allowed errors through, then who am I to stand in the way of our paper being the best it can be.

Up pipes a young protege of mine, Friedrich for now. Friedrich, in his righteous freshman indignation, fumes, "How dare you talk to her that way! She's our editor and . . ." but I cut him off and hush him. I say that the topic is open for civilized discussion. Did anyone want Duke to replace me as an editor? Did anyone think I was I failing in my responsibilities?

The room was silent. And it is still my newspaper.

---

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this: If a tree is tipping over, and you're the only thing holding it up, if you stop pushing against it and step out of the way, who falls?

Motivation

I'm supposed to be at school right now. Actually, by now I'm probably supposed to be on a city bus, going towards the library. My AP English class is taking a field trip to the library. To study. We're taking time out of our day, our day filled with other AP classes and obligations, to go somewhere we could go at any time and do something we ought to be doing on our own time. Ridiculous. She was going to make us miss an entire day of school for that. That's so selfish and inconsiderate.

I was not happy about this field trip, but I was planning on going. I had my permission slip signed and I'd talked to my other teachers. But, when it came to getting out of bed this morning, my body said to my brain, "Man, why are we doing this?"

"Doing what?" replied my brain.

"Getting up just so that we can lose an entire day. Waking up to waste our time."

"But, we're supposed to go on the field trip! (Nice alliteration there, body)"

"Field trip, shmield trip. I'm staying here until you give me a productive option."

"Alright, I'd much prefer that option anyway."

So I stayed in bed until my parents came up and yelled, then I told them I wasn't going on the field trip because my body had some excellent points, and they yelled a little more about not being defiant to teachers, and I told them I was probably the only one in that class who actually keeps up with the work, and that I have the trust and respect of all of my teachers because of my actual achievements, not because I'm subserviant, and they said, "Oh, ok," and asked me to take out my trash before I went to school after lunch.

Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool, with mentos freshness full of LIFE!

If DaVinci Were Alive, I'd Give Him A Big Hug

I'm starting to remember why I started this thing in the first place. The thought process is a wonderful thing.

I'm very encouraged when it comes to Christmas presents. I thought I was going to have to scrape and scrimp and not get anyone anything decent, but the internet is a friend to those with little cash, as is the fact that my father only wants things that cost no money (certain projects he wants done and hasn't got the time for). No one's present is going to be marvelous, but I think it won't utterly suck at least.

I'm getting ready to go to an AP Euro study session/movie watching session here in a bit. I am so in love with that class. If I could roll around in history, I would. If I could bathe in it. Spread it on like lotion, drink it like water, gorge myself on it, I would. Or I'd tiptoe through it, browse absorbedly through it, sip it like tea, snuggle into it like a sweater. I love history.

Why do I love it so much? There's just so much of it, so many new people and personalities to explore, new ideas to understand, concepts to grasp. Patterns to find. I find inspiration, knowing there have been people before me who saw the truth as I see it, who understood. And I watch their paths, and try to tread upon a like one. History does not repeat itself, but it does have a common theme.

"Everyone will come to it in different ways, and that is where whole wars begin, but in the end, the truth is always the same. There is nothing new to discover, only new ways to discover it." I wrote that in amongst my notes, while studying the works of Pico de Mirandola at the beginning of the class, and re-falling in love with the subject.

I have decided, because of my classes so far this year, that I could never be an English teacher. I am despising all the techniques and terms and pretentious judgements that come with studying literature. I'd teach my students all wrong, and they'd go on to fail their AP tests and hate me forever. I dont think I could devote my life to reading literary criticisms and style analysis. I'd go insane. I never feel the desire to roll around in literary terms and grammer questions. I would gorge myself on literature itself, on the books and ideas and characters, but the study of it is far too dry and arrogant for me. So I've finally decided to be a history teacher and to major in history.

I'll still write, don't you worry about that. And no matter where I go to college, I will eventually migrate north to Seattle and become a jaded rock critic. But I will teach history during the day, while haunting the indie rock scene by night.

I eat too many oreos. Not normal oreos, but the white chocolate covered kind. And the mint fudge kind. Oh man, those are so good. I just ate one of each. I shouldn't have eaten any, we're gonna have pizza at the study session. But I cannot resist their oxymoronic, dual colored deliciousness.

76%

I just bombed a test.

I am so upset. So upset. Seriously like on the verge of tears upset. I got 76% percent on an AP Euro test. Thats a C. I got a C on an AP Euro test. I cannot believe this. I am so dissappointed with myself. I was so excited about this test. It's over the Renaissance, the explorers and the Reformation. My three favorite parts of euro history. I knew this stuff, I love this stuff. I was so happy to be taking this test, I thought I did so well. I wrote three pages for the essay. And I got a C. I cannot believe this. I want to cry. How could I do so poorly? I have never gotten such a low grade on something I care about so much. I should get points for my enthusiasm. My intellectual feelings are hurt.

As Hard As I Try

Because Al sent me some lovin' I'm gonna post me some short junk up in here. I'm sorry I've been so updateless, but I'm one busy puppy lately. School is keeping me busy, plus John and friends and family stuff, Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat and whatnot. And debate! And senior year! I want to write, I really do. I keep trying to etch out a time to write, but it keeps getting eaten up by something else. I'm sorry.

I took the SAT on Saturday. Oh man, I hate standardized tests. I wasn't worried about the content of the test, just the idea of having to sit in one place form eight in the morning till noon. I cannot sit still for that long. I was about to explode. Whenever anyone's asked me how it went, my response is, "Well, I didn't kill anyone." The actual questions on the test, I didn't care about. The math wasn't absolutely deadly, and the written and verbal sections were "cake" as they say.

It was so strange, being in a normal high school. I took the test at Hale. Not a single thing from that building looked familiar, compared with TSAS. Wait, strike that. The sockets for the internet access. They were the same big boxy things with the blue connectors. I could find no other similarities between that building and this one. (I'm at school currently) I was laughing to myself the entire time. It was just so high school. The bathrooms had no doors, none. I burst out laughing when I walked in.

It was the wierdest feeling, actually taking the mythical SAT. At one point I stopped, and looked around at all the people in the room and realized they were all seniors. And I felt superior and more mature then all of them. I was not afraid or intimidated by any of them. So strange, I thought. Then I realized, that was because I am a senior too! Those people whom I, not neccessarily admired or respected, but was slightly intimidated by, were me. Perhaps some kids look at me and think "ooooh, senior. How wise and worldy she must be!" What an odd stage of life I am in, to fufill the positions I saw from afar for so long. The lauded and famous senior year. Thank God I'm at TSAS or the typicality and pedestrian-ness of the year would overcome me.

I had sushi last night. Mmm mmm. Jill had a sushi party and John and I went. And sushi is not that bad. It's not exactly amazing, but it's good. I'd eat it again. Though the salmon ones made me want to vomit. Honestly.

Hopefully I'll have more time to post in the future. I have much to say.

If Only I Could Think Of Things Like That

Perhaps the best thing ever.

Civilized Nature

Long time no update.

I'm at school, so this one may not be very long. The soda machine outside the computer lab is rumbling so loudly I can hear it inside the room. I'm drinking Fiji water and wearing a striped beanie.

Last night, John and I were walking around the Rogers State University campus and we were sitting on the grass, talking, when suddenly John tells me to hush and pointed behind me. There was a deer about ten yards away from us. It was so beautiful. It was a big male deer, snuffling around the RSU campus grounds. The sight of that, in the light of the streetlamps and seeing it's breath snort out of its nostrils in a cloud, it was so amazing. The image of a wild animal walking on a sidewalk between lamp posts and statues, it was like nothing I'd ever seen. Soon it bounded away, leaping off into the darkness between the library and the auditorium. I will remember that for a long time.